Feelings, nothing more than, feelings...

Over and Out

2009-01-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Here's what I got. Its time to say goodbye again. I've found keeping a blog is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. And although I'm ashamed of it, I find that I just don't have the time. I think...well I think that that is good.

Some quick updates before I'm off. I've run every day for the 348 days. I intend to stick it out until 1 year, then I will retire it like this blog. Its been quite an experience. I wish I could do it for the rest of my life, but my life is too dynamic right now to settle into this routine. Se la vie.

First semester of grad school is up and although I still have a year and a half with my current program, it will focus me on grad grad school, i.e., a phd. I am on my way to a phd, many years off that I don't want to think about, but my remaining electives in school will revolve around phd coursework.

I was told in the last semester that if this public policy "thing" didn't work out for me that I could always do stand up. I don't know public policy doesn't work out, but it was nice to have a fall back plan. I will also maintain a "book of funny" so if you ever visit, please look to see it. And if I happen upon your town in the future on a stand up circuit, remember that your laughter and joy must be coupled with my failure in public policy.

I humbly bow out and wish you all of the best. Keep moving those feet, keep singing those songs, and keep on keeping on.

well???

2008-10-15T21:16:00.001-07:00

I have something to say

2008-09-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

or at least i did. But I can't remember any longer. Now it just seems that there is... politics and economics.

But is the world more than that?? I say nay.

Okay, so there is this

2008-09-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

I was thinking on my run yesterday:

The question "Who am I?" should be rephrased as, "What will I become if I stop?"

I'm just a bunch of string doubling as a ball of yarn folks.

eh

2008-09-05T21:08:00.001-07:00

Grad School.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe8k89bSFQg&feature=related

To start my education off, I come back to Uni confused and open to new ideas

2008-08-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

This sounds super cheesy, but hey. It is.

I started my undergraduate education bright eyed and willing to learn. An open canvas of sorts. Concepts and ideas were more important than the practical. After graduation and moving on, I must say, I've grown a bit more weary of ideas and philosophy. The real world plays a more crucial part in thought formulation than before.

With that said, I don't know how this is happening, but a number of elements in my life are converging to make me think I'm going to enter graduated school a bit more idealistic than I've been for years. Again, I didn't plan this, but I've read a bunch of socialist literature recently, including Upton Sinclair's book Oil! This praised socialism and the bolshevik revolution. I am now reading a book called supercapitialism that essentially lays into our current political and economic system of .democratic capitalism." The premise is that since the 1970's our country's economic model has grown to offer us more choices and opportunities, but at the expense of democracy. Pre-this-time, there were a limited number of company's that offered less choices and higher prices, but at the same time, ensured the welfare of most americans. I am also reading the current weekly Economist that is mourning the death of the intellectual due to specilization in knowledge, similar to market niches. Traci and I just finished the movie, "the lives of others" about Eastern Germany before the fall of the Berlin wall.

The point being, that I don't think I believe in our current system of government and the "free market" nor do I think there are other models of rule that are better that exist. I'm back into that fuzzy confused feeling of "teach me."

Ha.

Seed of Life

2008-08-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

Thursday night was a wonderful evening.

For starters, please view these pictures of me. Please imagine for the next sentences leading up to the pictures that I am an Italian with a really bad handle of the English language. Okay, go: I am, how do you say, trying to train for a triathlon. But I am, how do you say, an amateur with no real gear. So I am, how do you say, a hodgepodge of a number of different outfits to create this look. I am, how do you say, ridiculous looking, no?

You like-ah what you see-ah?

I'm pretty proud of myself for that outfit, though. The plan was to bike to campus 4 miles away for a brick workout, where I would immediately get off my bike and run a couple miles on the track. Then I would go to the pool and swim 40 laps and immediately jump back on my bike and ride home. That way I could practice the brick workout, or the training needed for my body to understand the transition between activities in a real triathlon. Its called a brick workout because your legs feel like bricks (lead, tired, deadwood, etc) when transitioning from the bike to running.

I needed to get to campus with all the gear for the entire workout. Look closer. Everything I need I'm wearing or holding. In my pockets I have a headband for running, goggles and a cap for swimming, an energy treat, 2 dollars for a drink if necessary, my id, and the keys to my lock. I'm wearing a helmet for biking and glasses for biking and running. Plus, I have a gatorade with me. Everything I need is on me.

I biked to school and did a track work out, then biked home. I jogged 3 miles at a 7 minute mile pace, then ran quarter miles at 80 seconds apiece, in between jogged quarter mile laps. I didn't swim because the pool was closed. Le suck. The bike home made me realize 2 things. One, you can haul ass on a bike. I biked down college and was passing cars because they had to stop for other cars and what not. I was not doing anything too dangerous, just biking really really fast. Off of college I hit Claremont and made a right. For some reason, the couple times that I've made this turn no cars have been around. I took off. Since the bike home is downhill, just barely, I only picked up momentum. At one point I must have been going 25 to 30 miles an hour. No joke. Le speed.

And 2, I can get in shape by running every day (I'm up to 188 days at 4.49 miles everyday), but to be a real athlete you need more than one sport. I forgot how much I enjoyed biking and I went out of my way to take the long way home. Le fun.

I came home, gave a crackhead my unused 2 bucks, got scolded by my neighbor for doing so, and went upstairs and showered. Traci and I decided to go out to eat and we went to this little restaurant that I passed a couple times on the way to Berkeley called the Seed of Life. I love my wife so much for being willing to try (and like) the same things that I do.

This place is a new restaurant open in the evenings that only served organic vegan food. Before you call me a dirty hippy, I must tell you that this was some of the best food I've had in my life.
To me, the litmus test of good vegetarian food isn't on taste alone, but whether or not a non-vegetarian could forget about meat for a meal. In this case, I think the answer would be yes. Traci bought a sweet potato with rice wrapped in Kale wrap that was fantastic. I ordered a very tasty portabello mushroom burger. Also great. The food was fresh and prepared with thoughtfulness. Both orders came with salad that had flower petals in it. What a touch.

Before we ate, I had to walk to an ATM. And I had this old debate with myself that has been going on inside of me since as long as I can remember. I thought about the randomness of the situation. Us being in Berkeley, happening upon a small restaraunt, that is exactly what we were looking for, that was open at 930 PM when we finally got out the door, that is the perfect answer for the solution of the moment. How did all that happen? It seemed that there were so many variables and choices in the world that for things to work out exactly at any given moment is impressive. More importantly, the daunting question to me is how do you make sense of all of this and how to you decipher whats best when our actual choices feel like such an insignificant portion of the equation?

To be honest, that used to frighten the hell out of me and is why I stayed inside so much. I was deathly afraid of the outdoors because of the random nature of it all. On a hypocritical note, I was also very uncomfortable in non-random environments that were faked and forced, like Disneyland or the Grove in LA. I think that what that meant to me is that this thought process of staying indoors was more an issue of depression than an actual philosophical argument. Then again, maybe not.

I realized as I was going to the ATM, that the goal shouldn't be to somehow tame the beast of randomness or figure everything out or read every book, or see every sight, but at very fucking least, you better try your ass off to do it all. I'm a wreck when it comes to book lists. Mine is pages long and it always feels inadequate. I always feel like I'm missing some important text or there is some piece I still need to read. This overwhelming amount of choice led me to not choose at all. Which just exasperbates the situation to being with and is FALSE. But just because this isn't true, doesn't mean I should stop reading or stop trying. Every day I should be trying to fill up my day with as much as I can. Because its a helluva big world out there and there's plenty to see and do. I'll never get to it all. Its impossible. but I should be trying.

I have a friend named Paul who seems to espouse this philosophy without ever saying it outloud. He recently received is phD in literature. I will talk about him a lot is my guess. I rarely see him. He is always doing something. Up until recently, I saw him once every 6 months because he was so busy. He doesn't lie, but he told me he was going to be in SF at least 3 times this summer. He hasn't made it up once yet because he is so busy doing things. There are tradeoffs and pluses and minuses to everything, so I understand. Especially when he tells me he is going ot the democratic national convention. As long as I have known him, he has never once skipped a beat. Its always been quick in, quick out, but always moving. Thats impressive and inspiring. In some strange way, kind of what I think life is all about.

Now do I need to say something metaphoric about the restaraunt being called the Seed of Life to wrap up this story? Or did you figure it out on your own?

As I was walking back to the restaraunt, I was floating. FLOATING. I don't have it all figured out. What I do have is a wonderful partner to share this life with and an outlook that I think will last me until I'm 150 years old. There is no price that I can put on this and nothing that I would change about the situation at all.

I went back inside and enjoyed the rest of the evening.

Headbands

2008-08-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

I mean, seriously, everytime I run my face gets covered in sweat. Any time I run further than 5 miles (most days of the week), my eyes will sting from sweat. I don't know why it has taken me this long, but I've finally bought a headband. I think they used to make me feel hotter, which is no problem here in the bay area. Its an August night and I'm freezing. Thats my type of weather.

A quick reflection on Oakland and SF is this: I feel a bit retro just living here. People drive older cars and we live in an old house. The buildings of SF were built awhile back and look wonderful. Time stopped in the 70's for this place though. I dig it. I really do. I somethings think I'm on the cover of a bob dylan cover or that it is forever autumn in this city. Maybe is the browns, but something about the late 60's and early 70's makes me feel like it was windier and autumn for more parts of the year. Like here.

My headband fits right into my nostalgia and i feel decidely retro in it. But not like the child molestor retro look that seems to be sweeping the country, at least the west coast. I'm not into a solo mustache for myself, per se. That might have been fun in the 70's but now when I see it I think that its just a matter of time until the perp ends up in jail.

Two days in a row I wore this simple formula of sweat protection. And for two days in a row, sweet sweet bliss. If I thought my glasses made me intimidating when I ran, wow, the head band does a real number on competitors. I don't know why, but maybe its because I'm willing to risk the tanlines?

Enjoy, friends. Me and my headband.

Don't just say it, yelp it!

2008-08-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've currently become very fond of the website Yelp.com. It started out as a website where users could post reviews of restaurants. It started out as something so simple and has become so much more. I've found more useful shit on that website than I have most anywhere else on the internet.

I've found and reviewed a number of terrific places. I've avoided places because of reviews here. Moving to Oakland has been scary but guess what? Now with Yelp. I found the best local laundromat. I just bought a used bike from a non-yelped bike shop and paid way too much. But then I yelped a great shop that will help with repairs.

I can connect with so many people and ideas this way without actually having to connect with so many people. Traci and I went out and tried an all vegan soul food restaurant on Friday. Thank you yelp.

I think in some regards that yelp is the 30 somethings myspace. I don't care too much about meeting people anymore. Don't get me wrong, ideas and people are always welcome. But I don't search it out any longer. I search out activities and relevance. Thank you yelp for the ability to do this so easily.

Bless you.

Lifestyle is not not changing

2008-07-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am loathe to say this, but my only reason for leaving LA was not simply to go to graduate school. I was and am ready for a lifestyle change. I was tired of driving through traffic, tired of being far away from the mountains, and (very) tired of seeing my wife so little because of the set up of LA. Its like we were on opposite ends of the country when I'd work in Santa Monica and we lived in Downtown. It could take 20 minutes for 2 hours to get home, depending upon god only knows what. The wind could be blowing funny and for some reason this would cause traffic.

Its not to say that I don't like LA, but I don't think I can ever move back now. Yesterday afternoon I drove 20 minutes in the middle of rush hour to go for a trail run in the mountains with my wife. Check, check, and check. Although I live in a city, everything is measured in single digit miles instead of 10, 20, or 30 miles like in LA. I think the farthest I've driven from my home in Oakland is 12 miles to get to Target. And I did it in 15 minutes. Just imagine trying to get 12 miles in LA in 15 minutes. Imagine. That was the farthest I've gone! Everything I need, Ikea, Target, food, clothing, bus, transportation, SCHOOL, is all less than 12 miles away. From my door step to the Goldman School of Public Policy, it is exactly 4.2 miles. I can take the bus OR bike in just about the same amount of time. WTF, you know? So forget about about driving short distances, cause I don't even have to drive!

Then, I was in the mountains in 20 minutes yesterday. IN THE MOUNTAINS. In a regional redwood forest. Not Griffith Park. A legitimate forest. And I did an 8 mile trail run. Traci and I were joking, but in all seriousness, I am not used to how clean the air is here. I have become slightly asthmatic to pure air. It sounds RIDICULOUS, but I swear its true. This was the second time in a week I've been to the mountains.

And most importantly, duh, I was with my wife. I have spent so much time with her recently, in part because she is looking for a job and I'm working from home. But its been spectacular. Its like I get to rediscover why we got married. And she isn't that far away. And she can't be. And I don't have to speed to or from work to get home and see her for a half hour before I pass out and do it again. We get to cook together and enjoy each other's company and explore the area that I've never had the opportunity to do before.

I hate to break it to people also, but I'm secretly a hippie at heart. Everytime I try to tell someone in my program, they look at me in disgust. Its fairly conservative, in Berkeley terms. So instead I just enjoy my trail runs, my wife, public transportation, my bike, being a vegetarian, paying cheap rent living in an up and coming neighborhood, buying organic food, growing our own vegetables, breathing fresh air, having one car, walking instead of driving, recycling, composting, volunteering, and thinking optimisticly about our future as a country. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a duck!

Oh yeah, here is a 2 MB photo I took above Berkeley that just shows how gorgeous of an area I live in, I think. I sent it to my dad and here is the caption I gave him:

I took this yesterday when I went to berkeley to talk to my department to make sure I was on track. Afterwards I started driving up into the hills and found this road called panorama way, I think. At this point, where I took the picture, I had a 270 degree view of the bay area. I swear I could see the target that Traci and I went to 10 miles north of us, all the way to SF straight in front of us, our apartment, and almost to San Jose to the south. If you zoom in on the picture, in the top right corner is SF. In real life you can see alcatraz clearly and the golden gate bridge if it wasn't covered in clouds. You might be able to make note of the big antenna that you can see, also.

Anyway, I thought this was pretty cool! It’s a shame that most SF'ers don't know how beautiful their city is because they never leave it to get views like this!

Quote unquote

2008-07-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

My wonderful wife wrote something that screams to me of everything I've ever felt and thought about life in general and sums up my philosophy that I've sought out in such a succinct fashion. I think she was joking when she wrote it, but kerouac would have been jealous. I'm paraphrasing, pulling out all of the jokes and making it "serious."

"And he ran. He ran as fast as he could, until he could run no more. He ran until his calves were burning and the sun was at the cusp of the horizon. Then he got a boost of energy and ran the rest of the way up that hill. That hill which is forbidden he conquered that hill. It was then he realized that the sun never sets, as long as you can chase it. "

To stay in the sun, you have to keep running. You can't stop chasing it. How desperate, sad, and optimistic. I feel like I'm in high school when I read this.

An impromptu protest?! Or perhaps an impromptu celebration!

2008-07-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

A marching band of hipsters, literally white kids wearing black pants and red suspenders just marched through down the street by our house. Literally a full marching band, with cymbals, trombones, trumpets, saxomophones and like just walked by. At first I thought it had something to do with the local elementary school next door. But if that is true, then, 1., there are a lot of old looking 7th graders and 2., wow, they are cool.

I'd like to think that instead of it being a protest, it was a celebration of better things. To come. Soon. Very very very soon. Maybe before or after we attack Iran. I still can't tell. eh.

I went for a 9 mile trail run this morning in a local regional park with the local running club. On the way home through the berkeley hills, I saw this sign.

Are we a mobilized society here in the east bay?! I think so...

Montana, the state of states, places of places, beings of beings...

2008-07-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

This past week I spent some time at work in Helena, Montana. What. a. town. While there, I visited with my friend Chris, who I haven't seen in ages. We used to run cross country in high school together and haven't lived anywhere near each other since I moved away my sophomore year of high school from Naperville, IL. It was good to catch up and go for runs.

Everyone seemed to know each other, since Helena's population is estimated at 35,000, when including eastern Helena. 25,000 if not. They have the three things I need: a good burrito place, dairy queen, and hills to run in. I ran once with chris and twice alone. I enjoy having the sense of elation that comes with the end of the trip, as if I have trudged through something difficult. Like the work is over and its time to play. Its a small slice of the first day of summer after finishing 5th grade. Its that feeling knowing you are done and there is nothing to do but play. However, instead of having a whole summer of fun, it was more of an evening of relaxation.

The last night I was there I literally ran 3.8 miles uphill and back. The mountains were about a mile away from my hotel and I just ran to them and on up. Thankfully it was a cool night because I started out in cilization on a main road, ran up a black top road, to a an old paved road, to a rock road, to a gravel road, to just a path for cars. I climbed quite high in the mountains and when chris and I measured the distance in his car, he was impressed. I ran as far as I could knowing I had to return and to the last peak I thought I could make it to. This picture is the view from the peak I made it to. Le sweet. I have a camera that takes panoramic pictures, but I had to use chris in the picture as a "post." You take 3 successive pictures, lining them up with the edge of the one before it. Chris was one post, then there was an actual post. I think it turn out well.

The other picture is of me there.

Helena, MT

2008-07-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm in Helena Montana on business right now. I really really really like the place. There is so much big sky it might kill me. In fact, it makes me a bit paranoid. I feel I can't escape from it and it just might swallow me whole. Coupled with my fear of sunburn, this can drive a person mad! I think I can't get away from it, even indoors! But the country is beautiful and the people are nice.

Semi-side note: When I die, I want my body to be a broken bag of bones. I want it to be used. I want it to be that toyotoa that has 350,000 miles and if it crashes, then it aint worth a lick and you can't get more than 200 bucks off of it. Yeah, thats what I want.

I'm in Oakland! Still running, but not counting days any longer.

2008-07-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

An update on the move to follow soon. But I wanted to spit out this thought I've had for awhile. Still running every day, but i don't want to note it any longer. I just want to do it.

This is going to sound horrible, but i feel like no matter who we were 5 years ago, all of us have just sort of stalled out. And i thought all of us were going to have these big lives and its not to say we aren't happy, but that the excitement of the world and opportunity has been turned over to more mundane actions.

Not in a bad way, just in a way. I'm not saying that basically we've all become uninteresting

and that we used to have our whole lives ahead of us and now we're boring.

Its that what we were striving for really wasn't that hard.

Day 144: Ahui Ho Santa Monica!

2008-06-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day at work. To honor that, I decided to do one last run harder and faster than I should. Which I did. I ran my 9.55 mile run to the end of the bike path in 66:06, or at roughtly a 6:56 mile pace. Not bad, but not great, considering I ran the first 3 miles at a 6:30 mile pace. I bonked to high heaven, but it was worth it.

I have come to this office practically every day for the last 6 years, 1 week, and 1 day. I've gone to the CO-Opportunity, the local organic food store for lunch longer than most people would ever dare to try. It is only in the last 2 years that I ordered something other than bread and cheese. In my first couple years here I was somewhat obsessive. E.g, I spent an entire month listening to the Bob Dylan song, "Shelter from the Storm." I OCD out on Bob Dylan often, though. From the same album, Blood On the Tracks, I've listened to Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts for weeks on end. I one time drove from San Francisco to Los Angeles listening only to that one song. There is so much to be learned from it! It is, hands down, the best "story in a song" song ever. I challenge anyone to pick their favorite and battle me.

Today's a big day for me. I had my Starbucks coffee and I'm finishing my chai right now. I will go to Bobby's coffeeshop down the road and order a red eye, for old time's sake. This is what happens when I get sentimental. I load up on caffeine.

Here's to the last day of the old and the start of something new!

Day 141: An LA type of morning

2008-06-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I feel so LA. I wore sunglasses on my drive to work at 530 because it was sunny out. I did my 9.5 mile run along the beach. It is already 75 degrees out at 8 AM. When I returned from my run, I showered and then immediately tended to my hair. I went to the local organic store still wearing sunglasses and bought 4 ounces of wheat grass, for its cleansing ability. I also ordered a Pirate's chai, a special all organic chai drink made by the Coop. Then I ordered the hot plate special which was eggs, potatoes and black beans. All items were completely organic according to whatever laws passed by the FDA that ignore the fact that anything with carbon is considered organic, by definition. The eggs and milk from my chai came from a hormone-gmo free range chicken and cow, respectively. In total, my meal cost me 16 dollars. I remarked to no one in particular since it is taboo to talk to strangers that the meal tasted like, well, food. I am currently in shorts, a v-neck t shirt and rainbow sandals, which is acceptable business casual.

I am seriously going to miss this place.

Day 139: define nerd, please

2008-06-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

When did the definition of nerd shift? I swear it used to mean someone who was so intelligent that they were awkward socially. They dressed poorly because other things drove them. They were savants, right??? I thought.

Now a nerd is a comic book collector, a slob living in his or hers (haha, just kidding, its never a girl) parent's basement, aka, a fanboy, who thinks it's important to understand, or at least debate, the validity of the new Transformers movie or . Hellboy? Really? I've opened a comic a handful of times in my life and could never fathom ever actually reading one. I've tried. I really have. But i couldn't get past the pictures.

We, as a nation, need to tell the fanboys that it is high time that they are ashamed of themselves. I have waited 20 years for many things. But it was never to make a movie out of a comic I read as a child (AND STILL READ?!). I sat with disgust in a free viewing of the new Tranformers. I couldn't believe that 1., that movie made any money, and 2., people clapped, yes CLAPPED, when Optimus Prime identified himself.

I'm pretty sure most "nerds" have better things to do than talk about Iron Man. There is still cancer to cure and peace to spread.

I'm not against this procomic book movie world we live in, but it is out of hand. Go back to your room, play with legos, and sulk that it was me who went to the Winter formal in 7th grade instead of you. Then imagine you are spiderman. Yeah. Then you'd get to go to prom. Yeah.

ARGH. When did I get passed over as the target demographic in this country???

Just a few more days!

2008-06-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'll be moving by next Friday! I'm excited, but starting to get sentimental about leaving Los Angeles. I'm trying to be more conscious of my actions as I do them. I am constantly reminding myself that "this will be the last time I do X." The other night I drove home along Olympic Blvd from the Westside to downtown. "This will be the last time I take the long way home." I'm going to Cafe 50's tomorrow morning -- Last time. I'm seeing the LA friends one last time, having my goodbye dinners and taking off. As much as I'm ready to go start a new chapter in life, I'm going to miss my life here.

Plus, I just found out, we have the smallest "eco footprint" in the continental US!!!

Can someone teach me to C walk?!

2008-06-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

Day 130: Karma

2008-06-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Good morning.

I want to take a quick moment to discuss something near and dear to my heart. Karma. Or, the west co-opting the term to fit some definition that doesn't make a lick of sense. It's akin to the McDonald company making Ronald McDonald look like Jesus. Its slander of the worst kind and yet its upheld as a term of virtue. This is a very common theme in America, but I don't want to talk about that issue. I'd rather stick to karma.

At my high school in Hawaii there were a number of students who had children at a young age. It surprised me that these women were not outcast from society and their peers. In a good way, I mean. The women were embraced and they would come to school pregnant until the week of giving birth, they would leave while giving birth, then come back shortly thereafter. Often the women would bring their baby to school during the school day. Growing up in a more traditional atmosphere, this was quite enlightening for me. The upside to this lifestyle was the encouragement and support given by their friends. The downside was that it made it acceptable and something that many young women were doing. Perhaps one of the most horrific things I ever saw was a young pregnant teen in a gang fight on the ground holding her belly as another girl kicked her repeatedly in the stomach. Not only were we not aware of the long term consequences of our personal decisions, we also didn't think too hard about the effects of our actions on others.

On a lighter note, one Army BRAT who did drugs to fit in, got pregnant during one of her acid binges. She didn't realize she was pregnant for some time and continued to do drugs until she took the time to take a pregnancy test. By that time, the damage had already been done and her child ended up a bit loopy. I remember talking to one of her friends the first time she brought the baby to school.

His eyes looked like the novelty eyes on puff stickers of sesame street characters, particularly cookie monster. He had no control over his eyes and the normally just sat at the bottom of his sockets until he was bounced or lovingly shaken. Then, those baby blues rolled around his head using the basic rules of physics, specifically centrifugal force. You jump up with him too quick and the eyes would bounce straight up. Swing him around and they rolled around at the edges.

Now who's fault is that?! Who had bad karma there? The child? The mother? Both? I don't think we could be able to judge in this situation. The term karma is defined on dictionary.com as an "action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation." Western civilizaation added the "in this life." Before we got ahold of it, it was a way of life and understanding one's actions. It wasn't, "I saved a baby, so I won the lottery." Or, "I don't litter, therefore I'll get a job." 1. We are a Christian based society, therefore reincarnation can not apply. Therefore, no karma. 2. We can not be our own judge and jury. Ascribing any positive or negative event to karma like so many do, we are trying to objectify something that is much greater than we understand.

When Jason Lee sits there telling his life is based on karma or whatever the heck the television show is about, he is lying.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen in LA was at the third time I saw Grandaddy at the Henry Fonda Theater a couple years ago. Jason Lee was there, pre-scientology, post-mall rats. I saw him at a couple shows around town, but this was the first time I ever him try to get backstage based on his own recognizance (recognition?). Denied! He wasn't let backstage and the bouncer flat out denied him. It was very satisfying to watch him slink up the bouncer to get away from the common folk, acknowledge to the guard that he imagined he was better than most, and then have the bouncer shut him down. He mosied back into the crowd and a couple of us jeered him. That was instant karma. My own personal karma was getting hit by a bus an hour later, but thats another blog altogether.

Notes on a half marathon

2008-06-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

Please click on the title of this link to see how my run went, with a description of my right foot. My dominant foot is my right, but its smaller than my left. That means its always fucked up after a good run. Its sliding around in my shoe. I don't ever complain about it, but my feet are some of the nastiest you have ever seen. Which is why I keep them covered and hidden away. Here is a caption for the picture: Big toe = Hang Nail, 2nd from right = blister on left side, 4th from right = drained blood blister.

Like my foot, the run was incredible. There were bumps along the way. The lead became wiser, stronger, and ultimately, ended up victorious. I ran the exact same half marathon as I did a year ago. One second faster, actually. 1:40 and 0 seconds was the official time at a 7:42 mile pace. To my credit, it was about 10 degrees hotter this year, so I probably would have done significantly better had the temperatures faired about the same as last time. One second. It is still a PR, no?

The race itself was extremely grueling. It was essentially 3.5 miles downhill, 6.5 miles uphill, then 3 or so miles of up and down. I charged the hills incorrectly so that by the time I reached the peak, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was questioning whether or not I should have run the race and if physically I would be able to finish. I'm sweating right now just thinking about it. (Side note, I was also sweating profusely as I finished the last chapter of "Once a Runner" from anticipation and being in that last half mile.) The end of the race crept up on me last time and it did it again this time. I was dogging it the last couple miles when suddenly its all "downhill finish, now sprint!"

There is something so existential about running a race. It's pain that that will not end until you cross the finish line. Imagine the gun going off as birth and the finish line death. At the same time, the act of running the race is futile to begin with. Its a hell of sorts that begins and ends, but is completely pointless as it is going on. I suppose everything is existential in some regards, if you are depressed enough. Thats what was going on in my head as I was dry heaving in mile 7.

Also: I won my age division. And came in 22nd over all.

The run was yesterday and I tagged out for the rest of the day after. Today I ran another 2 miles in the morning to keep the streak alive. Some say race day is the hardest, but I'm a believer that it is the following day that is more difficult.

I was kind of upset this morning on my run. Irritated, actually. I sold my car this weekend and bought a couch at Macy's for our new apartment. I'd show it to you, but I would prefer that you would just come up and see it for yourself when you visit. Moving takes a lot of effort. And i was overwhelmed with all of the tasks needing to be done. Since Traci was wonderful this weekend, I really didn't feel like being upset until I was faced with the prospect of going back to work. Therefore I got irritated during my run. Before I finish this rant, though, I want to point out that I finally have a bit of savings in the bank and I'm looking forward to going back to school. Its just the moving part that is difficult. Whoever said that money can't buy happiness may be right, but it sure feels less fragile.

In just a few moments of my run my thoughts turned to those poor souls who work at running shoes stores. I have a hard time with them. You see, I used to venerate runners and running. I still do. I still think it is one of the best self imposed questions a man or woman can ask themselves. What does it mean to run? Because of the philosophical aspect of running that is one of my main draws to the sport, I used to hold good runners as priests and priestesses of a sort. The truth is though, they are athletes. Like most athletes, they are dim witted. Or more aptly, not as intelligent and thoughtful as myself.

Traci and I went to a running shoes store near our house this past weekend and a 20 year old assisted us. I just wanted to talk shop about shoes and gear, but he made it very clear during our conversation that I should respect him for his knowledge. Thats what upset me. I weigh 172 pounds. I don't look like a runner but I can run faster than just about anyone I've ever met. Yet, everytime I go into a running store I get treated like an amateur. A beginner. On my runs, even the short ones, there is a moment where I imagine myself as a professional runner and what I needed to do earlier in life to attain that goal today. Now its impossible. But then, had I not started smoking for a spell, had I not begun a 6 year love affair with alcohol, had I red shirted the cross country team in college, then I might be much closer to that dream today then as it stands now. I probably wouldn't have been the best. But I would have been better than I am. I have the honesty to say that out loud. I admit that it hurts to look in the mirror sometimes when I realize these things. That doesn't give some kid going to a community college working part time who will fair better but never make it to the top of the ladder to treat me like an amateur. It seems to defeat the whole purpose of what I set out to do. I don't know what that is, but it sure isn't that.

Which is why I'm glad for the internet. I can write on blogs about my running abilities and my numbers make me look rail thin. I can pass those thin guys during races and they can be shocked. Then I can go home and order everything I need online instead of at a running store.

An FYI moment for all of you out there. Remember what Ben Franklin taught us: You bleed a cold, not a blister.
Good night!

Day ?!: Thoughts on DC

2008-06-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

I was at EPA headquarters in Washington DC this week. I continued my daily running that included a roughly 5 mile run in 80 degree weather with 99% humidity. Everyone was looking at me as I ran, which I had imagined was because of my form. When I returned to my hotel I realized it was because there was no use for my shirt. It was completely see through from all of the sweat. Thats how I get down.

I had a moment during the run, though. Every couple years I complete a run that ends up blowing my mind. This was one of them. The last time i had a run like this was in philadelphia in September 2006. I was running along the river that cuts through philly, past the steps Rocky Balboa ran up, watching the college teams practice crew on this river. The thames? The charles? Idk. The sun was sweating and the sky turned from blue to pink during the run. The air was moist but cool. Its part adrenaline, part time change, part the welling of emotion, part me. But I realized I was alive during the run. It was the first time in years that I didn't feel anything except joy. I mean, I had my ups and downs, but it was the first time that I felt like my life wasn't a succession of fixing screws ups or dealing with the past. It was about moving forward.

I started in Arlington, past the national cemetery, across the memorial bridge, past the Lincoln memorial, through a park, past some bronze statues, around the Washington monument, to the white house, then back to the hotel along Constitution ave. I passed the federal reserve and the department of the interior. During the run, sometime around the White house, I had my moment and realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The city was running the country and I was a cog in the wheel participating in making this one of the greatest countries on earth. There was so much history and I am proud to serve our country in my own personal way; through protecting the water supply rather than killing for oil. This work is just as noble, although mostly overlooked.

Then I ran home and almost passed out from the heat. But it was worth it.

Day 118: The short long run

2008-05-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to work early to do my last long run before a half marathon in 10 days. It is the Valley Crest half marathon that takes place on a trail somewhere out in the valley. Last year, I finished 3rd in my age group in a time of 100 minutes at a 7:42 mile pace. The run is exceptionally difficult as there is a total elevation change of about 1700 feet throughout the hilly race. I look to best my time this year. Click here for the results, if you like.

Last year's training was ad hoc. Two weeks before the race I had to stop running because I had given myself shin splints because of the amount of running I was doing without rest. I am proud to say I've run 70 miles in a week and over 250 in a month last year. However, I also am now in awe of the principal of over training. There is a fine line for me that running every day keeps me under that threshold. I think the most I've run in any given week this year is 42 miles. These weeks I try for a long run, a mid-range fast run, a mid-range tempo run, 3 days of short distance, and one day to do as I choose.

Today was supposed to be my last long run before next weeks race. I decided on a slow 9.55 miles that heads from my office down to the beach to the end of the bike path. Its a beautiful run that I've done for a number of years now. In fact, it is probably what I'm going to miss most about southern California when I leave.

In my head I'm always much more practical then when I start running. The first 5 k was slow and easy. Then, amidst all of my congratulatory thinking about how I was doing such a wonderful job with my pacing, I saw a couple runners my age about a half mile up the bike path. I had been gaining on them for about a mile and it was clear they were running slower than I.

I took off to catch them. There were no second thoughts of my training schedule or "slow and easy" or anything. And by the time I hit the end of the bike path, I had caught them. Both tried to pace with me when I passed them, but that just fostered my desire to beat them. Within a mile or two after I passed them, they were way behind and I was dogging it. My head was berating me for my running bravado. My body was aching. My pride was keeping me moving lest they caught me further on down the path. I ended up staying ahead until I turned off the bike path and finished the run back to work.

Let this be a lesson to all you show boaters out there! You win races by running your own, not trying to step into someone else's.

By the way, the secret to running is this: its 95 percent physiological and 5 percent psychological. Why didn't Mr Cyr ever tell me that?

Day 117: Why I am doing this

2008-05-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

It took about a month of running everyday before I began to understand the philosophical ramifications of attempting to run every day for the rest of my life. From a goal setting perspective, it is perfect for me. It rewards stupidity over talent. Also, I'm confident that no matter how I try, my 175 pound frame will never be the absolute best at running. This is a whole other entry about being the best at anything because there will always be someone better than you. I will remain the tail ends of the bell curve in my life, but until a weight class is introduced into running, I'm never going to bust into the professional circuit. In theory, running every day is a simple way that I, or anyone else, can leave their mark on running as long as I have the motivation to do it.

Simple enough. Right? The definition of a running streak as defined by the United States Running Streak Association, Inc. (USRSA) is running at least one continuous mile within each calendar day under one's own body power (without the utilization of any type of health or mechanical aid other than prosthetic devices). Running under one's own power can occur on either the roads, a track, over hill and dale, or on a treadmill. Running cannot occur through the use of canes, crutches or banisters, or reliance on pools or aquatic devices to create artificial buoyancy.

All it takes is a bit of planning. Oh yeah, and the desire to never give up. Ever. No matter what. Can I, like Sysiphus, push my own rock up a hill daily, just to watch it roll to the other side and do it all over again? On average, I have to run every 24 hours. If I run late in the day Sunday, then the run on Monday is going to be harder than if I ran early Monday. I am rewarded for not breaking routine, yet I'm also condemned by it.

Its intriguing and a puzzle to me that I'm trying to solve. Is there anything to learn? I do know that I've become very easy on myself in a fashion I have never been before in my life. Knowing that I am running tomorrow means I don't have to kill myself today. As long as I keep the long term context of the situation, things will be okay.

To prove my commitment to it so far:

On day 20 I woke up at 3:45 AM and ran 1.6 miles in the bitter cold and rain because I was leaving for a trip to Yosemite at 430.

On day 21, I ran 1.8 miles in snowshoes and 5 feet of snow. Try walking in snowshoes. Then imagine trying to run in them.

Those are the 2 most notable days. I am often up at 445 before a trip running, like this last weekend when I ran before I left for Oakland at 530.